To start, I'll just give you a taste of what will eventually become a smorgasbord of reasons why, in fact, Buckets is really more like Suckets.
Buckets sucks so much, he was recruited by the CIA to fight in Afghanistan. For the Taliban.
Buckets sucks so much, the only reason Tom Izzo didn't take the Cavs job was because Buckets moved out of East Lansing to Baltimore. "Good thing he left," Izzo said of Buckets. "I really got to the point where I couldn't bring myself to coach these guys with the knowledge that Buckets was in town, watching the game, probably at the Riv and probably wearing a diaper. The image still haunts my dreams, but at least when I wake up with cold sweats in the middle of the night, I can take comfort in the fact that he's hundreds of miles away."Buckets sucks so much, the real reason he moved to Baltimore was because Detroit didn't want him.
Buckets sucks so much, the reason he didn't vote in Chicago's most recent Mayoral Election was because then candidate/now mayor Rahm Emmanuel had him jailed on election day because he didn't want his vote.
Buckets sucks so much, he turned down a date with Natalie Portman to hang out with George Lopez (for those of you who don't know, Lopez is the suckiest, least-funny person on the planet. Buckets was hoping that some of Lopez's 'suck' would rub off on him.) Now, Portman is preggers with some French ballerina's kid. Smooth move, ex lax. Way to ruin it for the rest of us.
That should tide you over for now. Be sure to check back often for updates!
(Pulitzer, here I come!)
Sincerely,
Heywood J. Blomie III, Esquire
