Buckets? More like Suckets.: 2011

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thoughts on Buckets

It's been a little over a week since I was hired at www.bucketsmorelikesuckets.info to provide you, fellow Buckets-hater, with rich, exclusive content you can only find here! (Can you say "dream job?")

To start, I'll just give you a taste of what will eventually become a smorgasbord of reasons why, in fact, Buckets is really more like Suckets.

Buckets sucks so much, he was recruited by the CIA to fight in Afghanistan. For the Taliban.

Buckets sucks so much, the only reason Tom Izzo didn't take the Cavs job was because Buckets moved out of East Lansing to Baltimore. "Good thing he left," Izzo said of Buckets. "I really got to the point where I couldn't bring myself to coach these guys with the knowledge that Buckets was in town, watching the game, probably at the Riv and probably wearing a diaper. The image still haunts my dreams, but at least when I wake up with cold sweats in the middle of the night, I can take comfort in the fact that he's hundreds of miles away."

Buckets sucks so much, the real reason he moved to Baltimore was because Detroit didn't want him.

Buckets sucks so much, the reason he didn't vote in Chicago's most recent Mayoral Election was because then candidate/now mayor Rahm Emmanuel had him jailed on election day because he didn't want his vote.

Buckets sucks so much, he turned down a date with Natalie Portman to hang out with George Lopez (for those of you who don't know, Lopez is the suckiest, least-funny person on the planet. Buckets was hoping that some of Lopez's 'suck' would rub off on him.) Now, Portman is preggers with some French ballerina's kid. Smooth move, ex lax. Way to ruin it for the rest of us.

That should tide you over for now. Be sure to check back often for updates!

(Pulitzer, here I come!)

Sincerely,

Heywood J. Blomie III, Esquire

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mr. Blomie submits Impressive Résumé

We've had résumés flying into bucketsmorelikesuckets.info at an unprecedented rate. It seems Buckets is quite the unpopular fellow in a wide variety of areas, considering we've received résumés from 27 different states and 2 Canadian Provinces.

While everyone who has applied has had top-notch qualifications, one stood above-and-beyond. Take a look at this candidate's outstanding submission —

Hello. I am writing in response to your ad seeking a writer for your blog entitled "Buckets, more like Suckets."

When I saw the name of the blog, I knew that the position would be right for me. There is nary a thing or person in this world that I hate more than the one called "buckets." He is the most tragic excuse for a human being on the planet. I feel like I should call the genetics department at Harvard and tell them to call off the search for the missing link in human evolution - he works the front desk of a hotel in Chicago. Search over.

His t-shirts are so ugly they make wife-beaters look like formal wear.
He's so bad at basketball, Steven Hawking crossed him over. And dunked on him.
He's so dumb, he sent an e-mail to match.com with to order a palette of "strike anywhere" matches because his lighter ran out.

Here are my qualifications:
1. Invented haterade.
2. Killed 24 polar bears. With my teeth.
3. Was personal trainer / hand-to-hand combat technical adviser to Christian Bale - aka Michael Scott Pitcher - for Batman Begins.
4. Was the keynote speaker for the "Who's worse: Kim Jong Il or Buckets" conference in 2011. Received a standing ovation and was showered in rose petals, money and champagne for that one.
5. Willing to work long hours and produce quality content for a multi-platform media-assault designed to destroy his spirit, and hopefully his body.

References are available upon request. I early await your response.

Signed,

Heywood J. Blomie