Mr. Blomie submits Impressive Résumé

We've had résumés flying into bucketsmorelikesuckets.info at an unprecedented rate. It seems Buckets is quite the unpopular fellow in a wide variety of areas, considering we've received résumés from 27 different states and 2 Canadian Provinces.

While everyone who has applied has had top-notch qualifications, one stood above-and-beyond. Take a look at this candidate's outstanding submission —

Hello. I am writing in response to your ad seeking a writer for your blog entitled "Buckets, more like Suckets."

When I saw the name of the blog, I knew that the position would be right for me. There is nary a thing or person in this world that I hate more than the one called "buckets." He is the most tragic excuse for a human being on the planet. I feel like I should call the genetics department at Harvard and tell them to call off the search for the missing link in human evolution - he works the front desk of a hotel in Chicago. Search over.

• His t-shirts are so ugly they make wife-beaters look like formal wear.
• He's so bad at basketball, Steven Hawking crossed him over. And dunked on him.
• He's so dumb, he sent an e-mail to match.com with to order a palette of "strike anywhere" matches because his lighter ran out.

Here are my qualifications:
1. Invented haterade.
2. Killed 24 polar bears. With my teeth.
3. Was personal trainer / hand-to-hand combat technical adviser to Christian Bale - aka Michael Scott Pitcher - for Batman Begins.
4. Was the keynote speaker for the "Who's worse: Kim Jong Il or Buckets" conference in 2011. Received a standing ovation and was showered in rose petals, money and champagne for that one.
5. Willing to work long hours and produce quality content for a multi-platform media-assault designed to destroy his spirit, and hopefully his body.

References are available upon request. I early await your response.

Signed,

Heywood J. Blomie

Can you say hired?!